We’ve now reached peak stupidity, which in this day and age, is a true rarity.
Let’s connect the dots of the nonsensical Arch madness that has officially taken over this college football offseason.
Texas quarterback Arch Manning plays well enough in his first season as starter to become the No. 1 pick in the 2026 NFL Draft.
Arch is the nephew of NFL Hall of Famer Peyton Manning, who is close friends with Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam.
The Browns have two picks in the first round of the draft, and will trade up (if needed) to select Arch Manning, who has all of 95 career pass attempts.
After all that, more dumb enters the speculation: Nick Saban will ignore the love of his life, he beloved bride Ms. Terry, and come out of retirement to coach the Browns and Arch.
Now, the kicker: Haslam didn’t exactly throw water on the inane thought process, telling media during Browns training camp, “I think if you know the Manning family, I would bet that – and I don’t know Arch at all – I would bet he stays in college two years.”
Meanwhile, the unwitting central figure of this bowl of crazy was sitting on the dais earlier this month at SEC Media Days, clearly overwhelmed by an offseason of ridiculous Heisman Trophy hype.
“I didn’t ask for any of this,” Manning said, while media crammed eight rows deep around him.
I don’t want to be the guy to say this, but someone must. All of these dorks pushing Manning narratives will be the same people burying him if he throws a couple of picks in a season-opening loss at Ohio State.
This is the lunacy Manning tried to avoid when he left high school as the No.1 overall recruit, a quarterback who just happened to have the football royalty DNA of a grandfather (Archie Manning) and two uncles (Peyton and Eli Manning).
He didn’t want to play at Georgia or Alabama because he didn’t want to be big fish, little pond. He wanted to blend.
So he chose Texas and its massive urban campus because it gave him the best opportunity to have a typical college life, to fit in and not stick out. He didn’t start for two seasons, played well as a backup starter in a couple of meaningless games, and the next thing you know, the sharps in Vegas make him the favorite to win the 2025 Heisman.
Not long after that, he’s catching not so subtle strays from Steve Spurrier, who knows a thing or two about playing and coaching the position — and mind games with guys named Manning.
Then an enterprising soul at an NFL training camp asked Haslam a ridiculous question to get a 10-second soundbite – because that’s where we are now, people – and Haslam throws kerosene on a grease fire.
He thinks Manning will play two more seasons of college football, which means Manning wouldn’t be available for the Browns to select in the draft. This brilliant deduction from an owner who paid DeShaun Watson $230 million guaranteed — after disturbing off-field problems.
More than that, Haslam’s refusal to swat the stupidity completely undercut his current team and coach, and a quarterback room that includes Watson, a former bust first round pick acquired in trade (Kenny Pickett), two selections from the 2025 draft (Dillon Gabriel, Shedeur Sanders) and a 40-something lifer (Joe Flacco).
Haslam essentially said we may suck bad enough to earn that No.1 pick, but I don’t expect Arch to be around when we’re on the clock.
The Browns locker room must have loved that.
Meanwhile, Texas coach Steve Sarkisian is doing his best to shield Manning from the nonsense, and Manning is doing his best to just be one of the guys.
For a program that has one national title in the last 55 years.
For a team that was gifted a manageable schedule in its first season in the SEC, a schedule that suddenly looks difficult in Year 2.
Manning has thrown 95 passes, everyone. Ninety-five.
He has yet to play in a major non-conference game or an SEC road game, or a bitter rivalry game. Yet to stand in the middle of a raucous road environment, be it Ohio Stadium or The Swamp or Sanford Stadium, where he needs a big throw on third and nine.
“Talk is cheap,” Manning said. “I have to go prove it.”
At least someone in this theater of stupidity has his head straight.
Matt Hayes is the senior national college football writer for USA TODAY Sports Network. Follow him on X at @MattHayesCFB.